Welcome To Canuckistan

Where we’re very polite (even when we’re ranting about things that irritate us)

It’s funny because it’s true

with 6 comments

When Kasia and I have babies, these rules are going to be:

A) posted on the front door of the house.

B) Handed out to any boys who even think about wanting to date our daughter(s).

C) Rigidly enforced.


D) Our daughters will be informed of the following rules and will be expected to not encourage any breaking of the rules.

E) Our sons will be expected to follow these rules as well (no dating double-standards in our house).

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Written by The Canuck

December 13, 2008 at 7:31 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

6 Responses

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  1. As the mother of three daughters (the oldest being a teenager who could begin dating very soon) I just have to tell you that I LOVED this!
    This is one of the reasons why the hubby and I have decided that we need to own guns πŸ˜‰ And yes, we will be cleaning them during the time that the young punks are standing there waiting for our daughter to be ready. We may even discuss target practice and hollow-tip bullets…


    December 17, 2008 at 11:49 am

  2. Jill!! Welcome back to Canuckistan! I have to admit that, in addition to thinking about any daughters Kasia and I may have dating, I was also thinking about you and Rick and how you have to go through this for three girls.

    Maybe in addition to cleaning the guns and talking about target practice and hollow-tip bullets, you could also discuss what happened to the last boy who tried anything even remotely inappropriate with your daughter … πŸ˜‰

    The Canuck

    December 17, 2008 at 12:01 pm

  3. Yes, yes. This would be the one who went home with some of his parts in ziplock baggies, right?
    Of course, being the kind Christians we are, we would have attached a note to that unfortunate boy’s parents informing them which parts were in that baggie with some suggestions of where and for how long they should be stored! πŸ˜‰
    I’m thinking deep freezer storage would be best…


    December 17, 2008 at 12:40 pm

  4. Or you could have a certain Canuck and his lovely bride hold them in escrow in their freezer until the boy learns to behave himself πŸ˜‰

    The Canuck

    December 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm

  5. Excellent!! Because, who knows, the parents may be likely to return them immediately without pre-conditions.
    The conditions would need to include detailed directions pertaining to where those hands should stay (with perhaps an added incentive of a visual aid – like a meat grinder) and also some basic understanding of the merits of being a eunuch.
    The boy can either choose to behave as a eunuch around our daughter or he can actually be one. It’s his choice!


    December 17, 2008 at 1:01 pm

  6. Sounds reasonable to me.

    The Canuck

    December 17, 2008 at 1:02 pm

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